Generation Gap

I am back in school doing my Masters. It's bizarre how I got myself into this. For a kid who never did well in school, I can't even imagine why I'm here.

The funny thing is... all this time, I thought people should get experience first before even getting their Masters... otherwise, what's there to talk about? Isn't Masters supposed to be like the next level of your Bachelor's or something? Well, I don't know. I probably got the memo wrong because here I am with a bunch of kids literally a decade younger than me.

I have a bad habit of self-deprecating myself. Partly because it's part of my humor and partly because it's the truth. Like I always joke about how painful my back is and how I get bruised up easily. My young friends laugh at me and call me old. Haha, if they only knew what they're getting themselves into. This profession that they're aiming for will literally break their bones and muscles. They say it will never happen because they'll own their businesses. That made me laugh again because that's exactly what 50 blockmates of mine said and look where they are now. Most are no longer in the field and the few left, well, some never even left their very first jobs...

So this is what older people must have felt. When young people start dissing you for all that wisdom and experience you've gained. I understand now.

I'm beginning to look at the bright side of things which is really hard, still. But the workload is definitely keeping me from drowning in a depressive state. I am trying to remember all my long term goals and focusing my energy into achieving that. If I managed to do it 3 and 5 years ago, I'll be able to do it again.

Next...

There's a certain calm that lingers.

A week or two ago, I remember feeling wrecked. Amidst the chaotic pressure of packing eight years worth of my life into a box, stuff I need to finish for work and random people prying into my future--I wanted to just stop time, burst into tears or flames or just disappear into thin air. I was feeling incredibly stressed and it has manifested everywhere--my mood has flipped, my health has deteriorated, and my skin has broken out like never before.

Like I said, people have been prying and asking a lot of questions. I have always been very private about me. I hate talking about my plans and future. Someone told me I should talk about it because I look in denial. Not that I am denial, I just don't find the need to tell people about me. And so far, since I have been open about it, I feel like nothing has gone the way I want it to go... life was much better when I did things discreetly. But here we are.

This time, people are much concerned about the fact my plans have become fuzzy. They're worried. They weren't worried when I was completely worried about it. They're finding me reckless now. But I'm not... things are just really out of my control.

But today, I feel much better. Chilled.

I know the cycle will start again. This must be the calm before the storm. Or perhaps I am a bit numbed. Life can't get any worse than it already is, right? Well, it really isn't bad. I just have no control over the things I usually do. That's all on me--I am a Virgo after all.

Anyway. I don't know. I already miss this city and I haven't left. I already miss the food, the comfort and safety I have grown accustomed with. The thought that I will never be able to walk in the dark all alone by myself freaks the hell out of me. I've been independent for far too long. How do you go you even go back?

I digress. I'm rambling because maybe I'm just in denial and I'm scared about what is about to happen.

Anyway. I don't know where this new chapter will take me but we'll see...

Embracing Courage

As of writing, I am sitting in a small food court in Perth’s Terminal 4. In a few hours, I am heading back to Singapore and I have a lot of time to spare to reflect back on this adventure that has been my 14 days in Perth.

I booked a ticket to Perth spontaneously a few months ago. It was pretty random and I regret the decision almost immediately. Perth was never a place I thought I would ever visit. You can ask everyone who knows me and they could name a couple of cities they could identify me with and Perth was definitely not one of them. But anyway, fast forward to Good Friday and I was on a plane on my way to Western Australia. For the next two weeks, I found myself experiencing things I never ever imagine I would choose or do in this lifetime.

Sweet Sixteen

Today, I spoke to a relative who shared with me some concerns she has about her sixteen year old daughter. She worries that her daughter is not popular nor has any interest to be one, that she doesn't have a best friend or isn't making any effort to be part of the norm, "She isn't the typical (girl who goes to this school)," my relative says.

She shares all these with me because I went to the same school her daughter goes to. She knows what I am talking about and I went through the exact same thing her daughter is going through. Her concerns may sound too superficial but this is the reality when you're a teenager or have a teenager.

Something's wrong

Today, I was officially diagnosed with PCOS. PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) is a condition that affects a woman's hormone levels. I think this condition varies from person to person like most people have irregular periods, have struggle conceiving, hormonal acne, weight gain, and or hirsutism. Statistics says that PCOS affects one out of ten women.

For over a decade, I have been struggling with this hormone imbalance. I always had my period and it came more or less regularly but I still knew something was off. Every time I would get my period, the period pains would just get worse and worse. I kept gaining weight and no matter how much I try, I could never lose the weight. I grew up with clear skin but as I got older, I was plagued by adult acne. My mood swings got worse, too--to the point that I would have panic attacks.

I would check with doctors every now and then with symptoms that they would often dismiss as "stress-related" and "nothing." My periods also come every month, so it didn't seem like there was anything wrong reproductively. Sure, sometimes it would come a week earlier, sometimes a week later, but it always came. I had everything checked--ultrasound, thyroid, blood tests... everything came clear... or so it seemed. I've been told to eat less (which I do). 

Turning 30

I recently turned thirty and strangely I feel fine.

It used to scare me, you know, getting old. Every time my birthday creeps up, I feel extremely anxious. I'm a Virgo so I overthink things. It starts a week ahead, my birthday anxieties. And by Law of Attraction, something bad really happens or I get extremely unwell on my birthday. But this time, it came and it went. I barely had time to grasp the idea I'm freaking thirty.

I did feel something weird--something I have never felt before. I feel rather contented. It's something I have never felt before because I am a Virgo and I have always felt like my life has been a complete failure. But I feel okay now. I feel like I am in a good place in my life. And I feel like I will be okay.

I feel really proud of how I managed to get to this place--where I am. I am cherishing this moment because I know it didn't come easy. Whatever I have right now, I made it happen. I fought for it myself, I worked for it and I earned it. Nothing came easy and it wasn't handed to me on a silver platter. I also know that this might never come again and I also know that this won't last forever. But at least I know I made it.

And quite frankly, it still scares me. But I guess I was too busy "adulting" that I really didn't have time to even feel anxious about getting old.

Wow, I am thirty.

Hong Kong 2017 Travel Log

There's something about Hong Kong that keeps me coming back, with each visit still leaving me breathless. It's my fourth visit but it has been a while so I was expecting a lot of changes. Hong Kong is a taste of New York in Asia--fast-paced and bustling, neon lights and juxtapositions left and right. I love the mix of old and new, East meets West culture and the high and love.

I built my itinerary on two simple goals--scour the best places to shop and the yummiest food to eat. For the list of food, I got mine through my brother and for shopping, basically from my rusty memory and a bit of research. To be honest, I could have done more and I would have wanted more. But I had my parents in tow... At night, I did venture out and explored on my own.

Australia 2016 Travel Log

People often think I'm such an independent person having lived abroad for six years. In a way, it's true--I've been financially independent since I moved out. I, alone, have control over what I want to do and how I want to live my days. But in certain aspects of my life, I still feel inadequate. I still feel like a little girl who needs to be taken care of by her parents and older brothers. And living in Singapore, you feel so safe and secure that you forget that there is a world out there so big. 

I turned 29 and felt that I needed to do something with my life. I made a lot of grown up decisions and one of those was to travel abroad on my own. So without any hesitations, I booked a two week holiday to Sydney, Australia (even spent a weekend in Melbourne). Technically, I wasn't entirely alone, but for the most part, I had no one to rely on but myself.

I made a video of my two-week trip there. It was tough to make it concise and even tougher to select good footage. Aside from the music, which I knew had to be Australian, I didn't have a gameplan as to what sort of video I wanted to make. And I also didn't realise my Gopro was too shaky. Anyway, I still hope you enjoy. If you're watching, don't forget to go HD... and enjoy.

Australia blog to follow up... hopefully!

A to Zine

Zines are self-published works that usually contain very controversial themes or topics, or niche mainstream media. With the invention and popularisation of the photocopy machine, Zines flourished and became one of the most popular form of independent publication common in the underground scene.

Two Weddings and a Bridesmaid

Malacca

An Intro

Welcome to an all new Happydiscosadness!

To my regulars, hello! It has been a while since I have written anything substantial. I have decided to start anew. I felt like the Che back in 2011 when I started Happydiscosadness no longer reflected who I am today. I have grown up since I came to Singapore. I met loads of new people and experienced so many new things. And though I have tried, I couldn't go back to the way things were. For one, I no longer have a 28-inch waistline. And I haven't been inspired to go out and spend all my money on clothes. I am still passionate about all things art and that is why this blog is still alive. 

I am excited to start fresh. I want to write about my new discoveries whether it's new music, hole in the wall cafes, a brand I am incredibly obsessed with. I want to write about my experiences--films, festivals, concerts and even travel. Anything that gets me going and inspires my creative juices to flow, I'll put them all down here.

If you've been here before, hello there. If you're new, welcome! I hope you guys stick around. 

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